


“I just kept thinking about how much of a disappointment I am."

by ImagineRedwood



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Crying, Depression, Emotional Baggage, F/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 05:30:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17217917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImagineRedwood/pseuds/ImagineRedwood
Summary: Request: "imagine you're Juice's Old Lady and the mother of his child. You find out about his suicide attempt and confront him. He breaks down and finally tells you what happened."





	“I just kept thinking about how much of a disappointment I am."

“When is daddy gonna be home?“

The frown was etched deep into your face as you looked down at your 4-year-old. He clutched his blanket to his chest as his bottom lip jutted out and trembled slightly. It was already an hour and a half past his bedtime and he was trying to stay up to say goodnight to his father. Unfortunately, Juice was late the same way he had been the rest of the week and the change in your sons nighttime routine was really affecting him. He’d been gone entirely for the past 3 days though, not having come home once and his absence was weighing heavily on the both of you. You’d gotten a call yesterday from Chibs though and he’d dropped the bomb on you.

Your Old Man had hung himself from a tree in the woods.

Thankfully the branch had snapped and you hadn’t lost the love of your life, but that didn’t do much to soothe the ache in your heart at the thought of him wanting to take his life. Your family meant everything to you and you thought it had meant everything to him. 

"I don’t know baby, I guess he’s still busy. You have to get some sleep though, you have to be up for school in the morning.”

The boy nodded sadly and sniffled, a tear slipping down his chubby cheek. With a sigh, you climbed further into the bed and pulled him into your arms. You smoothed your hand over his head as you kissed his cheek repeatedly.

“I know you’re sad baby but don’t cry. I promise, daddy is going to be here in the morning and he’s gonna take you to school tomorrow.”

"You promise?“

With a nod and a smile, you stuck your little finger out.

"I pinky promise.”

Your son sniffled again and wiped away the tears from his lashes, nodding and interlocking his tiny pinky with yours.

“Goodnight baby.”

With that, you kissed him once more and laid him back down. Pulling the blanket back up to cover him, you patted his chest and walked out of the room and closing the door behind you. Walking into the living room, you grabbed your cell and dialed Juice’s number, ready to lay into him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The deep rumble of Juice’s Harley could be heard but you didn’t move from your spot on the couch, simply took another gulp of wine. You’d ripped him a new one over the phone and made sure he knew to come home. Immediately.

You heard the sound of the engine cut off and glared at the door, just waiting for him to walk through. Within a couple seconds, the knob began to jingle and the door slowly swung open, Juice stepping through looking guilty. He wore his usual black hoodie but the hood was up and zipped up all the way to the top, hiding what you were sure to be some gruesome bruises and cuts. He wore a solemn face and the bags under his eyes had you feeling for him, but the anger from him making your son cry as well as almost leaving you was still pushing through. He closed the door behind him and locked it before turning around to look at you.

“Hi baby.”

"You know your son cried himself to sleep tonight? He’s been asking me when you were finally going to come home. I had to put him to sleep in tears for the third night in the row because he’s had to go three days without seeing his father.“

You tried to control your voice and keep it even but by the end you had taken in a much sharper tone, your feet picking you up from the couch and leaving you standing right in front of him. You could feel your body trembling as Juice sighed, running his hands over his face. You had tried to determine when would be the best time to say it but your words left your mouth before you could. 

"I know what happened. What you did. In the woods.”

Juice’s eyes snapped up at your revelation, wide and full of fear as he looked at you. He didn’t know who had told you, Chibs or Jax, but the point was that you knew now and he was absolutely terrified of losing you.

“I’m sorry baby, I’m really sorry. I…I just-just everything got so crazy and my head was so loud and it seemed like everything just kept going wrong and fucking Roosevelt kept keeping me and-”

“Juice!”

Your hands grabbing onto his face pulled him out of his excessive rambling. He looked down at you with tears in his eyes and hyperventilating, his hands coming to grip your waist tightly.

“Breathe Juice. Look at me. Follow my breathing. Just breathe.”

He nodded his head and swallowed loudly, trying to calm himself and mimic your deep breaths. He slowly began to calm down and his death grip on your sides eased up. For the second time that night, you wiped away the tears on your loved ones face. You grabbed his hand and led him to the couch, pulling him to sit with you. His arms wound themselves around your middle tightly and held onto you as if you would disappear at any second. He leaned forward, resting his head on your chest.

“I’m in trouble.”

Your eyes squinted as you looked down at him, not understanding what he meant. He kept going though, spilling everything.

“Roosevelt found out some shit about me, about my dad. My dad was black and we got bylaws in the club that doesn’t let blacks in. If the guys found out, I thought they’d toss me. You know how much I love the club, I couldn’t risk that. So Roosevelt gave me an out. If I brought him some of the coke we were muling, he said he wouldn’t tell the club about me and my dad. I just freaked out. I knew that I should’ve just told the guys but I was so scared that they’d kick me out, I just listened and gave up the coke. I was just gonna take a little bit from a brick and then put it back when no one was looking but Miles caught me and…”

“And you killed him so he wouldn’t tell.”

Juice nodded and blew out a heavy breath while you shook your head. No wonder he had done what he did. He had so much stress and pressure and guilt weighing on his shoulders, he finally broke. You didn’t understand why he hadn’t come to you and told you sooner so you could try to help him through the situation but that was neither here nor there. What was done was done and there was no going back, only forward. There still seemed to be more that Juice had to get off his chest though.

“I just kept thinking about how much of a disappointment I am. To the club. To you. To my son. Every single thing I ever do, I ruin. You and our kid deserve someone better than me. A man that can be there for you when you need it and raise him to actually be something. Not just a fuck up. Like me.”

You quickly put a stop to his monologue of self-hatred by kissing him soundly. He stared at you with both adoration and confusion when you pulled away.

“I love you, Juan. You’re everything to me. Our little family is everything to me. I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t feel like you were worth my time. I wouldn’t have started a family with you if that were the case. You’re an amazing Old Man and a great father. Don’t ever take that away from yourself. You should’ve told me but we’re past that. That shit is done. You just need to focus on getting yourself back on track and your family. We can talk about this more another time but this whole not coming home thing has to stop. Your son needs you. I need you.”

Juice nodded and held his head up, looking at you before leaning over to kiss you once more.

“I love you more than I think you know.”

You smiled and ran your fingers over his cheek, thankful that you had gotten him to open up and were finally on the road to healing this broken man.

“I love you too baby boy.”


End file.
